This week’s Friday Fictioneers prompt for our 100 word stories came from Renee Homan Heath. For me, this picture had the look of late summer.
The weather was changing, the sun already less fierce, mellowing into autumn.
Fewer families on the beach, but the usual backdrop of noise, laughter, gulls keening, and the thwack of tiny spades against even tinier sandcastles.
Then, something else… a murmur of alarm, rising in volume.
People were running from the water, scooping up kids on the way.
One lone woman jostling through them towards the waves, screaming.
Our ice creams abandoned to melt in the sand, we gathered our belongings and shepherded our kids from the beach.
Behind us a fin circled lazily in a spreading tide of crimson.
castelsarrasin 
Another good one, you always take me in Sandra. Someones day was spoiled!!
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Thanks Sue. I’m so glad sharks aren’t something we have to contend with.
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Oh! boy! Last day indeed.. So sad it had to end like this for her! Great story.
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Thank you!
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that’s really so sad..a very well written piece, Sandra
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Thank you. 🙂
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Dear Sandra,
I can’t say enough good things about this piece. You took me from enjoying the restful sights and sounds to urgent terror in one fell swoop. Brilliant!
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Thanks Rochelle, I appreciate your comments.
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Duuun dun duuun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun BOM BOM dun dun dun dun dun dun doo dedoo doo dedoo dede doo dede doo dededoo (Jaws Theme in Text Form)
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🙂
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Exactly my thought 🙂
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Your understated yet beautiful telling makes the terror even more real. I always look forward to reading your stories.
janet
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Thanks Janet. This ought to have been an easy prompt but I really struggled to come up with something.
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There have been weeks where I looked at the prompt and thought that I’d skip writing because I couldn’t think of anything. But my subconscious always comes up with something. (Thank goodness!)
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Mine does, but usually giving me a restless night in the process. This one came to me at 4am this morning. 😦
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Thanks Janet, and I yours. (Is that grammatically correct?) 😦
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Yes. 🙂
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The theme from Jaws is playing in my head! Good piece with or without the soundtrack. 😉
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Thank you. That was a really memorable soundtrack wasn’t it?
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Yes it was. If you ever read your story out loud to an audience be sure to have it at the ready for the end. 😉
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Thank you! 🙂
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we were both thinking sharks but with different “types” of shark. well done. one poor kid didn’t make it back. the little kintner boy.(from “jaws”)
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Thanks Rich. What a memory you’ve got!
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in my top three movies all time
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sharks and jellyfish. Two good reasons I prefer lake swimming to oceans. I love the tone of the story. You do a great job of winding up the terror. There are so many dark and macabre stories this week. It makes for a very happy misanthropic muse 🙂
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Yes, my place in the sea is definitely on top of it, in a big boat. Thanks for dropping by.
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The crimson tide is so descriptive.
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Thank you, I’ve an aversion to ‘gore’ and this avoided the necessity to be explicit.
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“Jaws Theme Swimming”. Frightening to imagine this.
Passive voice has its place, but I think the “People were running…” line could be strengthened by changing it to active voice. Aside from that, this is a solid work. Thanks for the read 🙂
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I won’t pretend that I even stopped to think about the use of the passive voice here – I’m an instinctive writer. In retrospective analysis though, I think I was trying to create a detached dream-like observation of the developments, almost like a wave building up, crashing and then ebbing (in the ‘abandoned ice creams’ and ‘ lazy circling’ of the last line). Having determined that was where I was subliminally going with this, I see one line which definitely needs changing. The ‘crash’ should be ‘one lone woman jostled (not jostling) through them towards the waves, screaming.’ And it should probably be strengthened at that point but for the word-count limitation.
Thank you for commenting, and giving me the opportunity to reflect on the piece. 😉
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Aaarrrggghhh! Shark!! Brilliant change of tempo half way through. Loved this 😀
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Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it.
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Damn, Sandra… you didn’t screw around with this one! Our ice creams abandoned to melt in the sand… nice.
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Thanks Ted. I wasn’t sure about that line.
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Wow, that turned sinister fast. You caught me off guard at the end; I was thinking tsunami. 🙂
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Yes, on re-reading it does seem to herald that scenario. Thanks for commenting.
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Good story telling. The photo prompt had the making for a few ‘Jaws’ stories.
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Yes, it was an interesting prompt. Thanks for commenting Joyce.
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Sandra, you are an amazing writer. And you just prove it everytime I come here.
This played out like an excellent movie scene. Very well done!
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Thanks Parul. I’d do a ‘smiley blush’ but I don’t know how in WordPress. 🙂
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just as i felt myself relaxing…. the horror! very well-written piece
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Thanks kz! 🙂
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I was thinking tsunami – still seems so terrifying. Excellent. You drew me in.
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Thank you, glad you enjoyed it.
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You somehow managed to set up such a threatening atmosphere. Lovely, terrifying, writing.
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Thanks Claire, glad you liked it.
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Hey Sandra, tell what happened to the lone woman? I wanna know
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I don’t see her actually going into the water Charles, but on the other hand I don’t see her ever being the same again. Thanks for commenting.
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Very nicely done. The calm before the storm well done, and the rendition of the “villain” as so matter of fact adds to the horror of the moment. Excellent work.
Here’s mine: http://unexpectedpaths.com/friday-fictioneers/and-when-we-go-back-to-the-sea/
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Thanks Maggie. Been to yours, loved it.
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Such a great sense of place and season, and than BAM! You are a true artist, Sandra 🙂
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Thanks Joanna, glad you liked it. And two for the price of one on your site! You’re such good value.
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Hehe, thank you! We enjoy the duet. 🙂
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I just knew your day at the beach would have an edge….nice twist in the sunny road.
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Thanks Erin. You know me too well. 🙂
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I don’t fear much, but sharks. The movie, Jaws still gives me nightmares. This story gave me the chills. And made me fear the ocean yet again.
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Thank you. And for providing such an interesting photo prompt.
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I’ll say “fewer families on the beach,” but that’s not the way to accomplish it! Nice hearkening back to a communal experience we all shared.
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Thanks Perry, glad you enjoyed it.
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Gotta be a happy day for the “finned one”. The drama at the end came out of nowhere. nice way to shock the reader!
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I should think he was well pleased with his afternoon’s activities. Thanks.
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Sandra,
Every summer this is my greatest fear when I go kayaking or swimming in the ocean ..which I do a lot…The fear kinda of adds to the fun. Jaws came to mind but I thought for sure you were doing Tsunami in the beginning…nice job baiting the reader.
Tom
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Yes I’m not keen on swimming in the sea either, but then I did spend many years working for a water treatment company. 😦 Yes, I didn’t realise that it seems to herald a tsunami occurrence until much later.
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Hi Sandra,
Good dramatic bulldup. You had me hooked and I was guessing tsunami, but you had another thought. You and Rich presented very different stories with the same dark side. Ron
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Always dark, Ron! 🙂 Thanks for dropping by and commenting.
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I love the descriptions, especially this line, “the thwack of tiny spades against even tinier sandcastles.” My first thought was about a possible shark too. Funny how we’d look at such an idyllic scene and come up with nightmare scenarios! 🙂
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Maybe that’s why we’re writers – always looking for the dark side. Thanks for commenting. 🙂
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Eery and dramatic, Sandra. I like the distance you manage to give the narrator as she protects her own children from the horror of witnessing the death. I hesitated over “lazily” – it seems the weakest word in the peace, but on the other hand I like how you restore a menacing calm with it. Maybe there’s a stronger word which could achieve the same end?
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Thanks for commenting Jennifer. Yes, I had a difficulty with ‘lazily’ but see response to ‘fictionsoflife’ above for my motivation. I toyed with adjectives deriving from words like ‘idle’ and ‘menacing’ but they become clumsy in that form. I thought about ‘complacently’ but that seemed a bit like a POV change. So, no nearer, apart perhaps from ‘indolently’ …. No perhaps not. Thanks for mentioning your reservations, appreciate it.
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Oh man. I like that you turned the water crimson to show that someone didn’t make it. Cleaver.
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Thank you. I don’t like to dwell on the details… 🙂
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Hi Sandra — I always read yours cautiously, there’s always that “bite” at the end.
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🙂 🙂 Thank you Bill.
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I should have known that with you, it wouldn’t be just a scare. 😉 Apt title and great last line.
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I think I’m becoming predictable Judee. 😉 Thanks for commenting, hope you’re well.
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Not too predictable, you still surprise me. You’re only predictable in the sense that your writing will always be interesting to read, and a fresh approach even when the twist is expected. Your twists are unique, and that’s what makes them so fun to read!
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I know what you mean. I often say to my husband “did the ending come as a surprise?” and he says “No, but only because I know your writing.” 🙂
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Yeah, it’s kind of like, I’m not surprised to be surprised by your writing, and yet the ending is always unique, and surprising in the way you do it and manage something that still surprises in its own way, even when looking for it. Lol, I hope that made sense, I haven’t had my coffee yet.
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I know what you mean. Enjoy your coffee, nearly time for my second cup. 🙂
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All that was lacking was tension-inspiring background music in A minor – chomp, chomp.
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Very well done, Sandra. Delightful and pleasant turned to gripping at just the right moment.
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Jaws ruined the ocean for me for a long time when I was a kid. Great story!
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Pretty scary being on the beach with your kids in the water, even without sharks! Had my heart thumping.
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edge of my seat anxious. the tension in this is great.
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How frightening that would be. You did a terrific job capturing the emotions!
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I see I’m not the only one who thought of JAWS looking at this prompt. Great job.
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If not the lone woman, who or what produced the “spreading tide of crimson”? Successful transition from peaceful beach scene to fear-filled flight in 100 words.
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Her child? Thanks for commenting.
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I think I’m going to have to start reading your stories from end to beginning. I settle into a way of thinking only to have it turned upside down. Drew me in and left me spluttering.
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Oh please don’t do that… I’ll have to start putting the twist at the beginning. 😉 Thanks for commenting.
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Beautiful flow of the writer setting the scene and slowly the story turns; fear sets in. The shark is not even mentioned by anyone at the scene – doesn’t need to be – masterful.
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…behind us a fin…that gives me the chills and reminds me to tread carefully when going into the ocean. ❤
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