Copyright Claire Fuller
I wrote a ‘banker’ first thing this morning for this week’s Friday Fictioneers Challenge, in the hope I’d get better inspiration later today. I didn’t, and since we’re on the river and about to move out of range of the network, it’s this or nothing, I’m afraid. 😦
‘Attendance a hundred percent up on last week’, observed Father Simeon with pleasure. And better still, both were sitting in the same pew, sparing him the exertion of swivelling his head from one side of the church to the other.
Inspired, he preached robustly, before descending from the pulpit to greet his flock.
As he seized the hand of the woman nearest the aisle, she toppled sideways, stone-dead and probably, he deduced, had been so afflicted since last Sunday.
The other parishioner screamed.
Father Simeon raised a silent prayer of thanksgiving before turning his attention to her.
“The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away,” he said, “Welcome.”
castelsarrasin 
Oh, that was dry and wonderful, darling. The vicar’s attitude is just hilarious to me. And when I read and re-read this, it occurs to me that the newcomer wasn’t there the week previous, and so, Father Simeon might just have been preaching to a dead woman the previous week, which I find terribly droll as well. There’s so much going on here, I just love it.
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Thank you Helena, and for the ping-back. You’re a star 🙂 You didn’t notice my mathematical error then which was that the congregation was up by 50 percent when an extra person came along. Duh! Arithmetic not my strong point. Changed it now. 😉
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I’m terrible with fractions and percentages! Don’t ever ask me to do math, darling.
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You mean ‘maths’ Helena (Nooooooo, please don’t hurt me!) 🙂
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Yes, of course, darling — maths with an S. We North Americans always forget that maths is short for mathematics, which is a generalized term that refers to all kinds of different fields, like arithmetic and geometry and calculus.
We really do need a refresher on the English language from time to time (but then, as I understand it, so do the British. I read an article not that long ago where someone in Parliament was complaining that more and more youths speak more like fishmongers than like proper English lords and ladies.)
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🙂 Yoofs. No-one pronounces ‘th’ in Britain these days, apparently. 😦
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I guess that would make it maffs, then. Well, thass all roight then, ennit?
(And now I’m taking the mick, darling.)
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🙂
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Pingback: Rotten – Friday Fictioneers | Being the Memoirs of Helena Hann-Basquiat, Dilettante.
Scary!
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Thanks for reading. 🙂
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This definitely made me chuckle! I’m glad you didn’t change it!
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Thank you!
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Dark humor… I love it. I knew something was fishy here. 😀
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🙂 Even darker humour! 🙂
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ohmygod, i couldn’t stop myself from giggling. i feel so sorry for that church. haha gotta love Father Simeon’s dedication. love the story ^^
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He’s a pragmatist I feel… 🙂
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I loved your banker, Sandra. A solid story with a great sense of humour behind it. The only thing was, I would have liked it to be immediately clear that the dead parishioner was the original one – maybe calling her the Regular, instead of just the one nearest the aisle, or something similar. Also, semantics, but if she’s nearest the aisle, didn’t the new parishioner notice when he climbed over the corpse?
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I take your first point, Jen and will think about it. Re the second, all the pews I’ve come across (not that I’m a ‘regular’ or even an ‘expert’ in any sense of the word :)) have an entrance at both ends. Thanks for commenting.
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Oh ok. If the newcomer entered from the other end, that’s fine. To be honest, it didn’t pop out at me on the first reading, only when I was trying to explain my other point. And on that note, I do realize that once you tell us she’d been there since last week, it’s clear which is which.
I LOVED the last line. Thanks for your thoughts on mine too.
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Heh. Second story for this prompt I’ve read, second creepy priest tale I’ve read. Something about that photo is bringing out the dark ones, I think. Nicely played.
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Dark is good. Completely black is even better but I’ m still working on dark. 😉
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The show must go on!
Excellent.
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Any audience is better than no audience JK! 🙂
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Haha! Sandra. Hey maybe attendance was up by 50 percent because she was only 50 percent dead last week. Either way, I loved this!! 😀
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I did think of passing it off that way if anyone commented Linda, but then decided to alter it. 🙂 Thanks for commenting.
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Helena may have been taking the mickey ^^^ but she sounded British ‘new language of the youth’ – spot on!
I loved this tale. However I think I interpreted something far darker. Like the Father was doing something that killed off the flock (why would he? Having only just gained 50% attendance) I prefer Helena’s interpretation that the week before he was possibly preaching to a dead parishioner.
I like his attitude. A definite believer and nothing dark or sinister at all… or is it?
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Wow! Even I didn’t go there… Thanks for reading and commenting.
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I love it. The humor is thick and pungent- like the stench of a stinky sock, which I happen to not love by the way. I for one am glad you didn’t come up with another idea and rob me of a good laugh.
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Urgh! I’ll take the stinky sock as a compliment, but it’s a stretch. 🙂 Thanks for commenting Adam.
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Sandra, this really brought laughter to me. And imagine how quickly the percentage can change. There is a slight risk they will be down 100 percent next week. But the upside is that he can preach about whatever he wants with closed eyes.
Tack så mycket
Björn
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I think his eyes have been closed for a while Bjorn. 🙂 Thanks for reading, glad you enjoyed.
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We we are named the Fictioneers, not the mathematicians. That kind of stuff can easily trick you up. I love how he is so cheeky about the change in his congregation size.
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Thanks Joe! Off to brush up on my maths…
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Dear Sandra,
I’d say that’s one lifeless congregation to not notice one of their members had been deceased for a week. Love the dark humor. Maybe they need a little lightning from Doug’s story.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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The parish certainly needs a bit of a shake up. Thanks for dropping by Rochelle.
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Now that’s eerie! I’m not going to make attendance rise another hundred per cent next week!
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🙂 Thanks for reading Perry.
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Oh dear! This was hilarious! I’m a fan of dark humor. Good luck to the parishoners – all two of ’em!
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Well… one now. Thanks for commenting.
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Maybe…..however, legendary first paragraph, and you have only 100 words after all, and here it’s packed. A deluded narrator indeed.
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Thanks Pirate, glad you were able to join in. 🙂
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HI Sandra,
You have no reason to have reservations about this one. It’s devilishly clever, right from the start. Reminds me of an old joke. They had to cancel the parade of virgins. One was sick and the other one didn’t want to march alone! Ron
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🙂 I hadn’t heard that one, Ron. Thanks for reading.
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Now there is a man who can roll with the punches. He seems even more optimistic than the guy in my story last week. I like it. 🙂
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Thanks David! 🙂
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Dear Sandra,
What an absolute pleasure to read your story this week. I laughed and laughed with each succeeding sentence. This was one of your best ever, and that’s saying a lot.
Enjoy the internet free ether of the canals in late summer. How I envy you. I’ll be picking up those bicycles post haste.
Aloha,
Doug
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Thanks for reading Doug, glad you enjoyed it! 🙂 Just watching the mist rise off the river, lovely. Those bicycles are waiting for your tlc. 🙂
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That was quite macabre and gross – I loved it!
Scott
Mine: http://kindredspirit23.wordpress.com/2013/08/21/friday-fictioneers-ff-dispelling-the-evening-rated-r-8222013-horrorsuspense/
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Macabre and gross. Sounds like me… 🙂 Thanks Scott.
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Great story, Sandra, that made the perfect ending. On the river–Enjoy!
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Doing my best Pattisj, glad you liked the story.
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Love this Sandra, Father Simeon’s faith can’t be shaken 🙂
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He’s a man whose cup is always half full, I think.
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You sure have a great imagination. Kudos 🙂
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Thank you! 🙂
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That was totally unexpected, well done. I can’t help but think: maybe he should check the church more often.
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I think you’re right! Thanks for reading.
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Very funny! You sprung the ending on us so well that I had to re-read to make sure I caught it. Great story!
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Thank you!
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I loved this. It made me smile. Mind you it’s having a terrible impact on his attendance percentages!
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Thanks Mike. 🙂
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But it’s still funny, even if you did just consider it a ‘banker’! You have exceedingly high expectations of yourself!
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Thanks for reading Freya!
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that guy is definitely a “glass half full” personality!
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Isn’t he just? 🙂
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Brilliantly funny story Sandra, and I suspect that this is the way of the village churches up and down the country. If this is your banker, I think you should just write these each week. Only one minor minor picky point. If the ‘live’ parishioner were a man, it would make it clear at the end which she / her you’re talking about.
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Ah! I didn’t see that might lead to confusion. But I’m not sure how a man would express his horror – I’ve got the woman screaming… Thanks for reading Claire, great photo.
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Golly, Sandra, your imagination never ceases to amaze me! This was absolutely a work of high comedy, worthy of Monty Python. Funny from the get-go and never stopping. Hooray!
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Thank you Lindaura, I’m glad you enjoyed it. 🙂
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Every one is making me LOL this morning! Poor priest; his joy gets dashed so quickly, but he kept calm and moved on. 😉
Here’s mine: http://unexpectedpaths.com/friday-fictioneers/necessary-sacrifices/
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Thanks for reading Maggie! 🙂
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Ok, this one gives you the new title of “Queen of the Macabre”. Really well done. I almost screamed with the new guy.
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Ah! Now you’ve assumed the other parishioner was a man, that’s interesting. Thanks for the title – I shall wear it with pride.
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Father Simeon has some work to do! Not sure if this is funny, tragic or spooky. Possibly all three. A good read.
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Thanks Patrick!
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Sandra, you’re on the river so you may not see this comment, but I love your “banker”. You know just how to give me a chuckle. This one certainly did. Very funny.
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Thanks Honie, I’m glad you enjoyed it. Off the river now, but poor signal around here at the moment.
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Bored to death takes on a whole new meaning with the priest. hahahah! Sorry, had to do that. Great story. 🙂
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🙂 🙂 Thanks for reading Jackie!
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This has given me the giggles, too — he’s certainly an optimistic one, this priest! Loved it. 🙂
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I like a positive man!
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As do I — and you don’t get much more positive than that!
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I enjoyed this banker, Sandra! I bet this priest burns a lot of incense in his church. Hee hee.
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Thanks for reading Amy! 🙂
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I loved your story but I have to admit the exchange between you and Helena was just as entertaining.
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🙂 We have a bit of a thing going about Anglo/American English – she’s great fun. Thanks for reading.
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I think I’d have preferred it without the priest’s mini-sermon at the end (somehow missed it on the first read through), just being satisfied with the “welcome” – but very nice job.
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Thanks Ben; glad you enjoyed it anyway. 🙂
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I don’t know why you had any doubts about this. I was laughing at the word ‘both’ and it only got better. Having read version 1 in my email before clicking through to comment, I have to say I’d missed the mathematical error and the original made complete sense to me.
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Great ending. Didn’t even see that coming.
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