Copyright Marie-Gail Stratford
Not the brightest button in the box, Josh stumbled over the words, his father’s amused gaze only heightening his discomfort.
“It was real s-savage, Dad.”
What Josh had seen as he’d peeped through the thick cordylline grass had rooted him to the spot, petrified.
“Son, if you don’t know what they was doin’, I guess it’s time we got you broken in.”
Miss Kitty at the Golden Horse saloon bar offered her best girl for the purpose.
Josh came downstairs later, dazed and flushed
“OK, son?”
“Fine… there wasn’t a rock handy, so I didn’t do the last bit.”
A posse left town within the hour.
I’ve never tried a ‘wild west’ story before. The first version of this didn’t have the last line but when I tried it out on my husband (the story that is) he didn’t get it. I’d be interested to know whether others (a) would have got it without the last line or (b) still don’t get it, even with it. 😦 Thank you to Rochelle of Friday Fictioneers for her services to the cause of literary fiction, or something very closely approaching it.
castelsarrasin 
Dear Sandra,
I read this twice and then read your explanation. I thought I got it until the last line. Actually the bit with the rock confuses me. Maybe it’s too early and I’m a little dense, needing more coffee.
As always I’ve no quarrels with your writing. A note on the dialogue though…”I didn’t do the last bit…” sounds rather British.
Okay, I’ll stop now.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Looks like an epic fail this week, then. I should listen to ‘im indoors. 😉
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Oh please don’t think it’s an epic fail because I don’t get it.
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Love the British!
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Hi Sandra! Though it’s hard to accept that I’m so dumb, I could not follow.
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Not dumb at all Indira. I think you’ll be in good company this week. 🙂
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I think I’ll have to go through your comment area to learn something about it. Thanks for raising my spirit.
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Dear Sandra,
I’m glad you tried your spurs on in the Old West genre. I love that your warped and wonderful imagination went along for the ride.
Aloha,
Doug
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Thanks Doug, hope you’re having a good time over there. Not too good a time, of course… we’ll be wanting you back.
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Ah, you ARE back! Hope you had a lovely time, we missed you.
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Hi Sandra,
I might be a little thick.. but I seem to be in good company. I liked the tone of the story, and i got the gist of the story… The rock piece and the last sentence made me feel that there were sinister doings here.
Björn
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Sinister indeed, Bjorn. Thanks for trying.
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I got it right away, Sandra. Without the rock. I’m surprised at Husband. Doesn’t he understand the workings of your mind….oh, never mind. They never really do.
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Thank you Barbara! Did you mean ‘without the posse’? Just for the benefit of others that follow: What Josh was spying on was an act that started as love-making, but ended up in murder. I wasn’t sure the rock alone would do it, so I added the posse. The other half is now sitting opposite me, virtuously avoiding ‘I told you so…’ 🙂
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Yes, that’s exactly what I meant. Without the posse. Sheesh.
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I got it by the rock bit. Shocking and oh my what a dumb dad.
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So relieved Joseph. He should have let his son finish his story instead of jumping to conclusions. 🙂
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I just about got the hint that he’d witnesses sex morphing into murder, but I did have to read it through a couple of times because I wasn’t entirely sure. I’d say the last line helps with clarifying what he’s seen, but it’s still very open to interpretation.
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Thanks for the input Carol. 🙂
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Sandra – I read this three times, just not getting it. Then… illumination. This is really clever. Loved it.
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Thanks for persevering KT. Really appreciate that.
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I got it, I got it, and before reading any comments! Too bad his dad didn’t check what was going on the entire time before telling Josh to emulate it! But Miss Kitty wouldn’t be a part of all that!! 🙂
janet
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No, I don’t think she would. It was just my way of putting her role into context 🙂 Though I’m not sure that the reference would mean much to those who don’t remember Gunsmoke. It was Gunsmoke, wasn’t it?
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I got it…very dark, and very powerful.
Subtle writing, too – it’s all about what isn’t said.
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Thank you Simon. That about sums up my approach – what isn’t said. Sometimes it doesn’t come off though. 😦
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Wonderful story, Sandra. I always love a twist in the tail, and yours is perfect. Thank goodness there wasn’t a rock handy up those stairs. 😆
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Absolutely! Thanks for reading.
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HA! I got it. Thought I didn’t realize I got until I read some of the other comments. I had to read it a couple times. I got the first part right away “real s-savage, Dad”. Then I got the “offered her best girl” part. After the 2nd or 3rd reading I made the connection 😀 Awesome puzzle!
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It sounds like a lot of hard work. It’s not always this hard, believe me! Thanks for sticking at it.
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Dear Sandra,
After reading twice and then reading your explanation, I realize I did get it. And I’m glad to see that you tried your hand at a western.
I agree with Rochelle that a few “Britishisms” may need to be revised to reflect Old West speech more accurately. However, I do not agree that this was in any way a failure. Anytime we try something new there is a learning curve, and you’ve gotten off to a great start.
All my best,
Marie Gail
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Yes, I think you and Rochelle are right about the Britishisms. I’m usually quite ready to use Americanisms, and they come reasonably naturally to me, but I couldn’t resist the ‘bit’ bit. It seemed to sum up the simplicity of the character. Thanks for reading.
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Needs a couple of reads, but works just fine. (Trying to be a tad less British here what, in the spirit of the genre)
Also the last line means I’ll sleep tonight.
MJ
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Just make sure there isn’t a rock by your bedside. Thanks for reading. 🙂
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I got it straight away, and without the posse bit, I think – although that’s hard to know for sure because I read the whole story before I read your note about it. But I knew it was love making (or more probably rape) which turned into a murder with a rock. A good cowboy story!
Claire
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I think the cowboy theme had to be done sooner or later. It took me this long because my brother was a western fanatic and we always had to place ourselves at opposite ends of the spectrum. I’m glad I got it out of the way. Thanks for reading Claire. 🙂
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Not sure about the ending. I was expecting something funny, but it would appear a murder most foul has just been committed. My guess is he must have witnessed a brutal rape (which ended in death for the woman) and assumed that was a normal sexual encounter – hence the rock. Not an image I want to keep in mind for too long.
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Actually the thought of rape never entered my mind. If it had, I probably wouldn’t have written it. I saw it as one of those perverse twists in a relationship, maybe where the woman made fun of him afterwards or told him he’d just had his last experience with her. But you got the rest of it, Paul. Thanks for reading.
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I got it without the comments or notes – I thought it was pretty clear.
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Thank you. Very reassuring, Sarah.
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It was crystal clear from the first read. A sinister story, showing us a glimpse of boy’s future. Nothing good can come of this. I think this was nicely crafted, but than again, I am a fan of Old Wild West.
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Thank you! So pleased.
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Sandra, I had no trouble getting this before the posse bit. It was quite clear and very well done.
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Thank you, three affirmatives in a row. Feeling better now.
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I got it also up to the rock part. I wasn’t sure what happened then, a fight or love making. I figured someone got killed or they wouldn’t have sent the posse. The writing was done well . If Miss Kitty was there, I don’t know if she would have approved the father’s “treat”. For the owner of a saloon, she was rather moral in some ways. 🙂 — Suzanne
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Ah a fellow Gunsmoke fan! Thanks for reading Suzanne.
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I got it, and think I would have without the addition of the posse line. What threw me was looking through grass. Some dads, though, SMH. Darkly funny, I enjoyed it.
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When I saw the red ‘blades’ at the top of the picture, they reminded me of Cordylline grass. Glad you enjoyed it.
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Sandra, welcome to the wild west. Your story works well, but the last line seemed out of place. Thinking it over, I think the problem is that you jump too far into the future. I mean, they haven’t even found the body, identified a suspect… The posse leaves town, but I feel I missed a whole bunch of details between the comment about the rock and the sending of the posse.
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Interesting point you make Lisa. For me, the essence of flash fiction (particularly when this brief) is that the reader has to join up the dots. But there’s a world of difference between the mind of the reader and the imagination of the writer. In my mind, the scenario goes “what do you mean son?” followed by something like “well when I saw John Doe and Mary Smith doing this up at Choctaw Ridge it ended with him hitting her over the head with a rock” and then the posse heads out up there to see if the victim is still alive and whether there’s a trail to be followed. Too many dots then? 🙂 🙂 Clearly it doesn’t work as so many are not getting it. Thanks for thinking about it Lisa.
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Dear Sandra, I know I’m really stupid, but I don’t understand this. My take is that Josh had watched someone lovemaking and then his dad asked for help from Miss Kitty, so the “rock” part meant that he didn’t harm his gal? I’m dumb, I’m dumb, I’m dumb. But I know from reading the other replies, that they all get it. Sorry – I still love your writing. Sorry, Nan 🙂
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Hi Nan. Don’t feel bad about it – you’re in exalted company. 🙂 I think the explanation lies in the comments, but it’s hardly worth the trawl-through. Same time next week? 🙂
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i got it on first reading even without the last sentence. he must have some pretty strong hands.
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Or pretty strong motivation. Thanks for reading.
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This sent chills down my spine. I thought I got it without the last line. Then I had to look up ‘posse’ since that’s new in my vocabulary (at least in the context used). And now I know that I got it without the last line, but that line makes it clearer. I love it, great twist there.
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Thanks for taking the time to understand it. And for commenting.
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Hi Sandra.
Nicely written as always. Must admit, at first I thought I got it. Then I didn’t. Now I’m not sure. The rock bit implies that he didn’t bang her round the head with it, or something else suitably morbid. But then the last line meant that he most likely “off’d” her.
But then if you got back to the rock line, you question if he didn’t finish what he started, just exactly what did he do and how far did he get. Does that make sense?
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Ok, another read, now I get it.
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Thanks for persevering. 🙂
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I really liked this! And I did get it too. I mean, when he said what he saw and he father assumed it was sex, I thought it could have been something else (Because of the word salvage, which I then confirmed with the rock like), and then when he came out of the room, I realized that there was some sex involved after all. lol
But yeah, I could have gotten it without the last line.
Great story!
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Thanks for commenting, glad you enjoyed it.
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I got it and I liked it – a lot!
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Many thanks. 🙂
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My first thought was that he’d witnessed someone having sex with and then murdering a prostitute and the poor kid now thinks that’s what’s supposed to happen and he’s a bit worried he couldn’t “finish the act”.
If that’s correct, then I reckon it was better without the last line. I might even have done a last line like “It doesn’t have to be a rock, son,” said the father, reaching for his knife. 🙂
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Oh boy, your imagination is even wilder than mine. 🙂
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I got it without the final line but I think it works better with it – though I do like Draliman’s alternative! Good story. 🙂
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Yes, that’s a fairly original alternative ending. Thanks for reading.
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I liked it and I did get it and the last line makes it even better.
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Thank you!
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Sandra,
Put your husband on the “blog line “.
I’m with you, Mr. Sandra. I still don’t get it.
It’s been a rocky story. I got rocks my head.There were rocks in that road. And that story didn’t quite get my rocks off (excuse my language if you find that line offensive in any way, I couldn’t resist it.) – even though the father might have had that in mind for his son.
The act of sex is rather savage so I didn’t get that he was actually watching a sex murder. Besides, my wife is always yelling that I’m killing her. Ha.
Best regards,
Randy
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Not to worry; it isn’t the first time I’ve not been understood. 🙂
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Sandra, that was awesome as usual. Loved it.
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Thank you!
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I liked the story, Sandra, and I applaud your taking a risk to try a ‘wild west’ story. I think the story is fine with the last line about the posse and the struggle isn’t with if that sentence should remain or not, but with the 100-word limit. Obviously the kid witnessed a murder when he was peeping through the window and he thought that’s what he had to do as well when it was over and I think this story just needed a few more words to convey that.
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Thanks for taking the time to crystalise your thoughts Michael. I appreciate it.
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Dad should have let sonny finish telling him what he’d witnessed, so I suppose it’s a good thing there weren’t any rocks handy… What an interesting take on the prompt!
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Thanks Sonya. 🙂
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Well, I had to read through the comments to make sure I understood the story, or to confirm what I thought was going on. I liked it though, I definitely wouldn’t call it a ‘fail.’
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Thanks Rachel. 🙂
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Wow, what a story, Sandra. I’m glad he didn’t do the last bit, whatever that might be. I’m assuming it was to kill her, but maybe he didn’t go through with it. Nicely written piece, as always. 🙂
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Thanks for reading Amy. Hope all is well with you.
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I think this was great, got it without the posse. Great imagery and well written as always.
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Thanks Dee. Reassuring. 🙂
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Finally, finally got it. Hope they get to hang ’em high. And hope Josh isn’t too scarred by it.
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Thanks Patrick. 🙂
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Thanks for making me think about the wild Wild West.
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My pleasure, Tracey. 🙂
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I got it straight away, loved it and think you did a really good job with it! Well done indeed…. A fitting western
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Thank you!
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Well that’s why he was petrified. Oh poor Josh! He witnessed a murder.
This is great Sandra. I like this one. A lot.
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Thanks Melanie. 🙂
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Oh darn, I didn’t get it. I wish I had because I love the premise. I understood everything until it came to the rock and didn’t realize had had witnessed a murder until your explanation in the comments. 😦
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Not to worry Dawn. There were plenty of people who didn’t either. 🙂
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A clever story and a successful twist at the end. I’m glad you called in the posse to go catch the murderer. We can’t have that kind of character on the loose confusing impressionable youngsters like Josh.
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Thanks for reading Margaret.
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I’m joining the confused party today…I’m afraid I didn’t get it. But I did get the old-west vibe and felt the build up through out the story. Just wish I understood the climax!
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Not to worry! 🙂
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You’re opening line told us much about the character. It seems his Father was a pretty dim bulb too. Kind of a twisted little western here, Sandra. I don’t think the posse will have much trouble finding them, and the insanity plea wasn’t in vogue in that era, so I suppose by next Friday Josh will be swinging from a rope.
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Thanks for reading Russell. 🙂
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I love accents, and you’ve done a good job with the Old West one. Rochelle’s undoubtedly right about ‘the last bit’ sounding very British. I say it myself, quite a lot! I liked the red hues of the cordyline grass, which fitted the prompt well. I did guess the rock suggested murder – or some evil goings on – so would probably have ‘got it’ without the posse. I thought your story was very well written, Sandra. 🙂
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Yes, I wasn’t sure about the cordyline and whether people would get that. Not to mention the story. 🙂 Thanks for reading.
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My husband’s a keen gardener, so a lot of species names etc. rub off on me. 🙂
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😦 “Not the brightest button in the box…” Like we say back home: the nut doesn’t fall too far from the tree. I hope that not having a rock means that the prostitute could have survived.
Ellespeth
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Thanks for reading Ellespeth, sorry to be so late responding. Slow internet connection where we were, and now we’ve moved on.
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