Copyright Sarah Potter
“He seldom visited; it won’t change anything,” said my grandmother, on learning her eldest son had died unexpectedly, “though he did send me a tenner every Christmas … I’ll miss that.”
Years later, within hours of my father’s death, my mother converted his bedroom into a study.
“It’ll be nice to have the extra space,” she enthused.
A coping mechanism? Or staggering self-centeredness, a family trait which hopefully has skipped my generation?
Disappointing then, when facing two sombre-looking policemen on the settee opposite, I heard my voice ring out clearly.
“Good grief, he was only half-way through painting the dining-room…”
How effectively can a 250 word story be converted into 100 words, without losing the effect? I’m not sure, but if you’re interested, judge for yourself by comparing this week’s Friday Fictioneers offering to my original story, A Family Trait, published six years ago in Apollo’s Lyre. Thanks as ever to Rochelle, for the dedication she demonstrates every week to Friday Fictioneers.
castelsarrasin 
A great little moral fable, Sandra. The contraction works – your reveal is the same in both versions. But the one glitch is that you’ve lost the distinction between the uncle and the father. The dead man seems to be one and the same, which makes the “years later” mystifying
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Yes I saw that, though I expected the reader would work out there could be more than one son, which I hinted at with the insertion of ‘eldest’ for the first mortality. I did think about changing the sex of one of either of the first two deceased, but the ‘family trait’ seems an essentially female reaction to the opposite sex – well it has been in our family anyway. 😉 🙂 Only joking.
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I felt the shorter version emphasised the dark humour more, giving more space to the punchline. Made me laugh anyway! 🙂
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Thanks for commenting, Iain.
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This made me chuckle (black humour)
Love Fridays x
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Thanks, Vanessa.
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Did the policemen have an opinion about the death?
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Both versions work equally well, Sandra. Loved the dark humor to it.
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Thank you.
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I truly admire the family trait and would think of it as ‘ coping mechanism ‘😀
What a wonderful story , Sandra .
Thanks for the link to the longer story .
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Thanks for reading, Moon.
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Dear Sandra,
The distilled to 100 words version works quite well. Sentimental family that. I couldn’t help but laugh. Well done as always.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Thanks Rochelle. No coffee snorting then? 🙂
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I’m learning to keep my coffee at bay while reading. 😉
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Did the policemen suspect something fishy?
Liked both the versions of the story.
https://ideasolsi65.blogspot.in/2017/09/walk.html
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Wow. Channeling her mother. Really like this, Sandra,
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Thank you!
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I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. 🙂
Grief does strange things to people!
I didn’t read your earlier version. I liked this one as is.
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Laughing is probably better. 🙂
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Love the distilled version. Crystal clear for me. to me the central piece of the story is this part;
A coping mechanism? Or staggering self-centeredness, a family trait which hopefully has skipped my generation?
But people do behave strangely in shock
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Indeed they do, Bjorn.
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A delightful piece of tragicomedy! One hundred words were quite enough. Easy to read and straight to the point.
Click to read my FriFic!
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Thanks, Keith.
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A great deal more impact in 100 words. It’s an insightful look at the way people cope with grief. Loved it !!!
Izzy 😎
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Thank you Isadora. Hope all is well with you.
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I’m beginning to feel a lot calmer today. Hope to be back real soon, Sandra. Thank you for asking. Izzy 😎
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Please spare me from a family like that.
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No. I wasn’t. 😉
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A well told tale, Sandra. Made me think.
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Then I’ve achieved what I hoped. 😉 Thanks Penny.
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So when she walked in her grandma’s and mom’s s shoes, grief suddenly took on a much more practical aspect. Oh, we are so human! 🙂
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And not always a good thing, either. Thanks for reading Christine.
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An excellent ambiguity here. Well done
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Thank you!
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I do love this – and recognise it too, if not in myself (!) then in some widows I’ve met. It’s not exactly that they disliked their husbands, but they can do jolly well without them, thanks very much. So many women don’t look for another partner when they lose a long term one – what does that tell us? Beautifully written as always
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I’ve a couple of friends who lost their husbands. It’s true to say, without any disrespect to either of their very likeable husbands, that both of them have grown since then. One in particular relishes her life and new-found activities in a way I could never have imagined. Nor could her husband have done so either.
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It’s a strange thing that as well as being a strength and strong base, a long relationship can also be a restriction in some ways – compromise, of course being the key to a long partnership. I’m glad your friends are making the most of their time alone, though – surely what the other halves would have wanted 🙂
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I agree with pretty much everyone! Cut to 100-words, this still works.
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Thanks Alicia. I prefer the longer version, but it was an interesting exercise I might try again with some of my older work, particularly since I seem to be distressingly short of ideas for stories these days. My husband says it’s because we haven’t travelled as much this last year. 😦
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Certainly a case of self-centeredness. Makes me laugh. What a family trait! You write so beautifully. I don’t want to, but I you all terrific writers.
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Aw thank you Indira.
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I haven’t read the extended version (yet) but I enjoyed the dark humor in this one. i took the final dead man as the narrator’s husband.
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Yes it was. Thanks for reading Dawn.
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Love the dark wit, shock does strange things to people and a half-painted room is quite inconvenient!
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Exasperatingly so! 🙂
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I like this, grief manifests itself in so many ways. Cleverly written.
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Thank you!
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You said it all in this version. I’m sort of disappointed in myself for chuckling. Sort of.
Tracey
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Don’t be too hard on yourself Tracey… 🙂
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Loved the dark humor in this story. I laughed at the punched line.
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I’m pleased about that. 🙂
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Okay. This made me laugh. She completely skipped the emotion part and went straight to the logic that usually only comes after extensive grief. It could be towering self-centeredness, or it could just be a person that can push emotions to the side to be dealt with at a later date – in private and unobserved. People handle emergencies in the same way – focusing on the practical now and the aftermath later. I loved it and think you did a great job shaving 150 words out. :o)
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Thank you!
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A dark, morbid tale written very well, Sandra.
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Thanks, Neel.
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I truly loved both versions. They are just tell-it-like-it is women! And realistic. And maybe just say what crosses their mind without realising (caring) how it comes out! I may have made a comment of this ilk myself… ahem.
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I’m sure not, Dale. Or am I….? 🙂 Thanks for reading.
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I think both versions are fabulous. I don’t think anything is lost by cutting the words. I love the last line.
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Thank you!
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I think it still works. Nicely done.
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Ha! Oh dear. Very funny story that is somehow also very sad
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Boy, the extremes some people will go to to get out of painting the dining room.
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Dead keen to avoid the task…
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Eek! I guess it’s passed down through the family, then. I love her reaction even as she hears the words come out of her mouth 🙂
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Thanks!
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Interesting read.
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Awww brutal! Very matter of fact writing. Great take as always.
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Thank you!
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Sandra, I’m pleased I came back to this one after reading the extended version and finally read the heading and it made much more sense. It’s getting late here. Well, that’s my excuse. Well done.
xx Rowena
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Wow! That had me holding my hand over my mouth to stifle a laugh!
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Thanks for reading Liz.
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that sense of humor hasn’t skipped her generation. 🙂
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I liked this a lot!
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Some families are just more practical than the others. I prefer that to hysterical emotions anyway. Wonderfully crafted as always.
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Thank you!
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People have such different coping mechanisms when it comes to bereavement. I always say you can’t force someone into sensitivity or having a deep emotional response to things. It’s either in them, or not. Some people are naturally cold and practical, but of course the best combination is sensitivity and practicality. I’ve definitely met people similar to those in your story, but then they might just be the types who like to keep a stiff upper lip and shed tears in private while punching their pillows. Well written as usual, and I prefer the shorter version to the longer one.
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Thanks Sarah, and great photo!
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Who was the last person who died?
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Her husband?
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I’m the odd one>>what did the policemen say?
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I loved the story Sandra. Now I have to go find the 250 word story. 🙂
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Lovely to see you back, Renee.
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It’s good to be back my dear.
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I think it is a family trait to be envied rather than reviled. Life would be so much easier! I personally liked this version better 🙂
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I guess she determined whether it was a coping mechanism or a self-centered trait.
I like the punch of the shorter one; I think it shows the parallels better and the humor seems sharper. Either way, excellent!
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Thanks Sascha!
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Well done!!!
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very nice humor with societal depth
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I chuckled at the dark humour and clapped enthusiastically at the post … much to the confusion of The Husband. But though it is a great picture, I didn’t spot the link.
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It was meant to reference following in the footsteps of your elders, I guess. Plus the fact that empty shoes have always been a stark reminder of the fact of someone having passed away.
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Thank you I get it now … yes empty shoes. Thank you Sandra it means even more now. Have a good week.
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You too, Ellen.
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What a refreshing take on the prompt! I burst out laughing. Anyhow, I think its a coping mechanism.
The anguish comes later.
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