Copyright Roger Bultot
‘Attendance a hundred percent up on last week’ observed Father Simeon delightedly.
And better still, both seated in the same pew, sparing the necessity of swivelling his head from one side of the church to the other.
Inspired, he preached robustly, before descending from the pulpit to greet his flock.
As he seized the hand of the woman nearest the aisle, she toppled sideways, stone-dead. Clearly, he realised, she’d been so afflicted since last Sunday.
The other parishioner screamed.
Father Simeon murmured a swift benediction before turning his attention to her.
“The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away,” he said, “Welcome.”
A re-run from six years ago, in the absence of any other inspiration. What would I do without a back-catalogue? Thanks to Rochelle for her guidance of this esteemed flock of Friday Fictioneers. Apologies to those I didn’t get round to commenting on last week – there was a back-log of issues waiting when I returned from holiday.
castelsarrasin 
Lies, damn lies, and statistics, eh? Nice one, Sandra
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Thanks Neil.
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So this is how they jack up attendance. Lovely story, Sandra
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Thanks for reading.
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Laughing aloud.
I love this, Sandra, and it’s so good to see your irreverent side.
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Is there any other? Thanks for reading.
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Glad you re-ran this one Sandra, very funny in your own dark way 🙂
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Thanks Iain.
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Dear Sandra,
After all these years we should have the privilege of drawing from the backlog, shouldn’t we? With our turnaround in the group, this is a new one for some.
I’m surprised the odor didn’t clue anyone in that the lady had expired a week prior. However no stench to your story. Well done.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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All things are possible in fiction. 🙂 Thanks for reading, Rochelle.
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I laughed at the doubling attendance and not having to move his head. Reminds me somehow of what Father Brown might do or say. 😉
Hope your issues weren’t too bad.
janet
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Thanks for reading Janet. Over-commitment is the root of my issues. 😦
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Not sure the Lord would be too pleased with Father Simeon! Hardly a crowd pleaser.
Keith’s Ramblings is a click away!
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He’s got a difficult subject to get across, I think. 😉
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Goodness! This made me chuckle (Perhaps my dark side coming out.)
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Thanks for reading Alicia.
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This one is new for me so there! And it so made me laugh, too.
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Thanks for reading Dale. 🙂
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😊
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New for me, Sandra, and I laughed out loud 🙂
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Many thanks, Linda.
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I like some dark humor. Up 100% and then down 50% in the same service, that’s not bad from a statistics point of view. 🙂
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A volatile market, I think. Thanks for reading David.
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I’m not sure I’d come back if I were the parishioner sitting beside someone who died during the service. Brilliantly written as always!
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Particularly if it had happened the week before. Thanks for reading, Brenda.
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A bit smelly I’d imagine. =)
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She must have realized she was in a synagogue! Well done
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Thanks for reading.
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I don’t think his new parishioner will stay very long. This made me laugh.
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Well if she does she can be sure of his undivided attention. Thanks for reading.
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Ha 🙂 I mean, oh dear. Oh well, one out, one in.
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Win some, lose some. Thanks for reading 🙂
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Are they putting dead people in the audience? All this to jack up attendance!
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Thanks for reading.
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Ha! Great last line. His optimism and your subtle description led me at first to overlook the actual size of the crowd, assuming that “both” referred to some troublemakers in a larger crowd, who would be revealed later. It was ther but he and I both chose to overlook it! What a very adaptable priest!
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I like someone who can look on the bright side. 🙂 Thanks for reading.
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That was funny and sad in equal measure.
So many questions – sorry, I have too literal a mind – why didn’t she smell? Could the other person have killed her? What did he preach about?
🙂
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You really do have a literal mind, Liz. 🙂
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Ha! When one door closes, I suppose!
This was a great story, Sandra… I thoroughly enjoyed it!
-Rachel 🙂
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Thanks Rachel.
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Well done, Sandra. I had to read that story more than once before I understood all that was happening. What dark humor. She must have been wearing a lot of perfume to mask the odor. That poor old priest must need new glasses. I love it that he’s thrilled there are at least two in the pews. 😀 — Suzanne
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Thanks for reading Suzanne. Nice to have you around again.
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Well, that was unexpected. I guess that means there will be a drop in attendance for next week.
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A roller coaster ride, statistically speaking.
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The cutest account.
I love his optimistic outlook.
Wonder about next Sunday!
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An optimist indeed. Thanks for reading.
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Back to last weeks attendance numbers! Thanks for sharing this story.
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My pleasure Ronda.
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What a shock! It took me a minute to get it, but talk about man’s inhumanity! So good to have you back!
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Thanks for reading Dawn.
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Number manipulation is one way to make things rosier. Gives new meaning to the idea that attendance dropped (dead). Nicely done.
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Thanks Jo.
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Not sure if I would seek him for spiritual guidance….. Enjoyed!
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I don’t think he’s quite hitting the spot, for sure. Thanks for reading.
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I read this story as the Father ignoring the existing members of the flock in favour of the newbies. Don’t know if I have that right but I loved the story nonetheless. There was a lot of authenticity in this. The idea of it been a job as opposed to a vocation. Apologises if I have that wrong but the story entertained me nonetheless. Loved it.
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Glad you liked it, Lisa.
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Oh.. maybe he can fill the church with more of those… attendance is prime
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Father Simeon should be selling Amway products. He will do well.
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I’d predict the attendance increase will be short-lived. I wonder if Father Simeon will preach so robustly to an empty church next week. Very funny story, Sandra.
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Surprise surprise!
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