Copyright Alicia Jamtaas
There had never been a railway line here; but then there had never been a forest either.
Her birthday had promised enchantment from the outset. Rosy fingers had crept surreptitiously along the horizon as she’d toddled outdoors, patting aside the pastel-coloured balloons with which her family had festooned the rambling garden in readiness.
For a short while the day had sustained its promise.
But now she wanted breakfast, her birthday cake, her sisters, her kitten.
Yet clickety-clack echoed ever closer, a mournful whistle postulating some other outcome.
And the garden pond sang softly…
Come closer, birthday girl.
I had two endings for this, one anodyne and the other… was the one I opted for. Thanks to Rochelle for her continued leadership of Friday Fictioneers – sorry to have missed last week – I sent a note. 🙂
castelsarrasin 
What a wonderful first line. And what a menacing last one
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Many thanks, Neil.
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My day brightens when I see you in the Squares, and you rarely disappoint.
Neil mentions the fist and last lines, both superb.
But so are all the others.
Excruciatingly exquisite piece of writing.
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Aww thanks CE. Glad you liked it.
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The first line just draws one in, closer to the pond.
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Thanks for reading Reena.
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Oh dear, has me thinking of Nic Roeg’s “Don’t look now”
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Ah yes, I remember that one.
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Dear Sandra,
Glad to see you back on the squares. 😀 I find myself wanting to run and snatch her away before…well done as always.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Many thanks for reading, Rochelle.
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Oh, my heart cracked from the first line until it broke at the last. Well done, as you always do with your gift of storytelling!
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Thanks so much, Dale.
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Punched with the first line and double punched with the final. Well done.
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Thanks Tanille.
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The garden pond sings in a very sinister voice.
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Our cat seems to think so too, the amount of time she spends staring at ours.
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You took us from the heights to the depths in only 100 words. Excellent.
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Thanks for reading, Linda.
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Will she, won’t she. We can only hope the call of the kitten is more tempting.
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Thanks for reading Keith.
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Love “clickety-clack”. It both draws you in and makes you want to pull away.
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Thanks for reading, Lish. Lovely photo.
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And the rest of the story just writes itself! Wonderfully eerie, Sandra.
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Thanks for reading, Dora.
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Ohhh, I liked this one. I half expected it to be the approach of a train to take her to a concentration camp…. that would have been interesting, dontcha think? Still I love this. Great read on such a snowy morning.
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Thanks for reading, glad you liked it.
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And it all started so well…
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Like most tragedies. Thanks for reading.
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Ow! Why do your stories so often make me wince? (In a good way, that is!) You’ve written this with such precision, focussed like a laser beam. And Neil’s right – that first line is an absolute cracker!
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Thanks for reading, Penny, glad you liked it.
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the pond must be home to a frog waiting to be turned into a prince. let’s wait and see. 🙂
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Interesting take. Thanks for reading.
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I could almost hear the compelling whisper of the pond. Very eerie and tragic, Sandra, and told so well as always.
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Thanks for reading, Brenda.
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This child has definitely wandered into an adult tale – and the sort I’d try to resist but wouldn’t be able to! Menacing…
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Thanks for reading.
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The first line transports this story directly into a different world from the birthday party. I would say like a sinister “Alice in Wonderland” scenario. Well what would the outcome be ? Taken away with a magical train to a place of great imagination.
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Thanks for reading. Sorry to be late reciprocating.
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Wishing you well. Had my Jab today!
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Oh great news. I had mine a fortnight ago, so in another week I’ll be able to hit the supermarkets again. 🙂
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A powerful slow build-up of menace. Good job.
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Many thanks, Eugenia. Sorry to be so late reciprocating.
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You know, some weeks I just don’t participate because there isn’t time to do all the great stories justice. And sometimes it’s rather lovely to get a message much later 🙂 And of course sometimes I forget to check my comments box 😅
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As seemingly everyone else mentioned, great hook and knockout blow. Very ominous.
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Glad you liked it, and thanks.
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Clickerty clack reminds me of those plastic toy windmills. A cold wind blows through this story
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Thanks for reading.
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This got gradually darker – I fear it’s not going to end well for the birthday girl.
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There’s a strong possibility.
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I really liked your story, ghostly with a lightness of touch. Reminded me a little of a MR James story in tone.
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Thank you! Glad you liked it.
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Wow, you had me at rosy-fingered dawn. And then jabbed me in the heart with “toddled” meaning this is a child! By the time I got to the end, I was hoping against hope – but no it is that kind of Homeric epic. I will choose to believe she comes back after a long and tortured journey to find everything changed but the same. Very well done in so few words. Kudos.
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All things are possible. 🙂 Thanks for reading.
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Ooh a hint of menace at the end turns a sweet scene into something more sinister. Nice one.
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