It’s that time of the week again, Friday Fictioneers kicking off on Wednesday, thanks to Rochelle Wisoff-Fields.
Unthinkable… asking her out like that.
Unbearable, watching a cruel mocking response forming.
Instead she’d tossed her thick honey-coloured braid and laughed as she walked away. She’d let him off lightly.
Following her back to that palatial hotel, the full measure of her unattainability struck him like a body-blow; they were worlds apart.
Today he sits behind her on the bus, inhaling her presence.
He rises for his stop, removing his hand from his pocket … light flashes on steel.
On the pavement, he registers her silent scream through the rain-spattered window.
He runs the honey-coloured braid through his fingers.
He’s let her off lightly.
Dear Sandra,
There’s revenge of a different nature. Not what you had me expecting when he pulled the knife. Good job.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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I am to surprise 🙂 Thanks for commenting Rochelle.
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Sandra, I just love the narrator’s voice you’ve written here. It seems so authentic and creepy.
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Creepy… that’s my aim. 🙂 Thanks for dropping by David.
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Art – and psychology. You’ve exposed mens’ psychosis. I learnt long ago to watch out for the weak, and unsuccessful ones (unsuccessful not after trying, no, other kinds) – they are the ones who might abuse, and theorise and justify just as your bus passenger. Chilling. Greatlexicon.
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Thanks pirate! Glad you liked it.
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great twist in the story ! loved this Sandra… 🙂
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Thank you!
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I come here each week with my hand poised to hit “like” and I’ve not yet been disappointed.
janet
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I’m flattered Janet, thank you! 🙂
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Chilling!
I loved the way you set the whole stage here, I knew, as a reader, that we were headed somewhere dark, but it still surprised me as we got there. You set the mood, the pace just right!
Great work, but that’s nothing new 🙂
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Thanks Parul! 🙂
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That’ s a privilegy to be in his mind – especially when it’ s penned so well. Unnoticable, yet so unpredictable. Intense.
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Thank you, glad you enjoyed it.
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Wow Sandra, had me guessing and like the others I guessed wrong. The guy needs some therapy.
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Doesn’t he just… thanks for dropping by Joe.
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How sad yet true (the thought process of some). The twist at the end excellent, Sandra! Your written word exceedingly well done. 🙂
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Thanks Penny, glad you liked it.
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As ever Sandra your mind keeps us guessing
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Thanks Sue, glad you’re still reading.
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Chilling! I thought of Jack The Ripper immediately! Sandra, as always, you delivered the goods here. Nice!
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Thanks Kent, and lovely photo so thanks again.
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Love it–great revenge story. And a souvenir to remind him of his restraint.
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If you can’t get the girl, better to have a reminder… 😦 Thanks for dropping by vb.
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Great twist at the end; now he can run his fingers through her hair anytime he wants! Very effective story, Sandra.
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🙂 Thanks Perry.
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Whoa… now that’s the Sandra we know and fear 🙂 — I really liked this one and it’s braided ending.
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Thanks Bill, glad you liked it. 🙂
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“He lets her off lightly.”
Creepy and dangerous… Will she learn to be kind…? Perhaps.. 😉
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She’ll certainly have to spend less time on her hair…. thanks for dropping by.
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oh wow this is crazy and sooo sooo awesome. that last line “He lets her off lightly.” was just perfect.
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Thanks kz 🙂
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I love it. Suprise twist, you expect the worst, and then you get a taste a sweet, non-fatal revenge. Delightfully wicked!
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I don’t normally let me characters off this lightly… 😉 Thanks for dropping by.
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a weird man. but an imaginative story. well-told
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Certainly is weird… thanks for dropping by. 🙂
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I didn’t see that flash of steel coming, but on re-reading the story, I think the tone of the narrator holds true throughout. And a neat pairing with both letting each other off lightly. Thankfully, he just took her braid!
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Thanks for dropping by and commenting. 🙂
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Brilliant, Sandra.
Started well, built up beautifully and a pow! ending.
Absolutely loved it.
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Thank you! 🙂
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Sandra, this is a perfect 100-word story. So well done. 😀
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Thanks Linda, glad you liked it.
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Love it.
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Thanks!
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Hmm, a “hair-razing” experience!
Sorry, couldn’t resist. Great job!
Scott
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Thanks Scott. 🙂
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Excellent. Completely unexpected. Oooo that honey-colored braid never saw it coming either.
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Cut off in its prime… 🙂 Thanks for commenting.
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Unexpected ending. Great writing.
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Thanks Monica 🙂
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Unexpected end, a relief certainly, but still cruel in a way only a weakling can be,
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I can think of very little that is more cruel… it will take ages to grow back.
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Wow, this is wild! I love it, the totally opposite of what is expected but anguish none the less!
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Thank you Claudia! 🙂
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Freak! Lol..nice job.
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Totally! 🙂 Thank you.
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Revenge! The unthinkable seems to happen…then we realize it’s just a lock of hair that was cut! Great job!
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Thanks Jan! 🙂
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WOah! I thought he’d stabbed her. I never saw the haircut coming, though you foreshadowed it well.
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Thanks; that’s one haircut she’ll remember. 🙂
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Wo, that was a scary one. I thought he would…you know. Very intense, even though he didn’t…you know.
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I know 😉 Thanks for dropping by.
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A scary glimpse into a twisted mind. Next time he might not be so restrained.
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You’re right Anne; thanks for commenting.
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Damn Sandra, we finally get warm temps up Bflo way, and you’ve got me sitting here shivering.
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Cool! 🙂 Thanks for commenting.
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So creepy, but so perfectly plausible. It seems recent events have totally prepared us to expect murder, so getting mayhem instead provides a bigger shock. Great job!
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Thanks for commenting. I decided to avoid the more dramatic ending this week 😉
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HI Sandra
this is brilliant – perfect even. I love ‘inhaling her presence’ for its sheer creepiness. And the surprise at the end when he has only cut her braid. And the lucky escape she had because it could have been worse. And… I could go on. This is a huge story inside a tiny one. Loved it.
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Thank you! I’m glad you liked it. There are some people who do this, and I can think of nothing creepier…the ultimate assault. Hell, I’m frightening myself all over again!
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Oh, not the kind of ending I expected…definitely let her off lightly, hair does grow back 🙂
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Oooh, what a wonderful twist! That bastard, but how brilliant–the ultimate revenge without shedding any blood. Heh. Heh.
Here’s mine: http://unexpectedpaths.com/friday-fictioneers/post-modern-ossuary/
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Now that was kind of creepy. Good one!
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Wow! I was holding my breath, I had to read it twice! Good job, wow!
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She better be careful….next time, it may be more than her braid…like her neck from ear to ear. Sorry, my bad. Been watching the Jodie Arias trial all week. Well done, Sandra
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Excellent story, Sandra. Some folks take rejection seriously. Glad she only lost her braid.
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The writing is so engaging, I almost feel sympathy for him. Nicely done.
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Chilling. The twist is humorous until you realize he is still a very, very scary guy. Very well done.
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I was guessing to the end, you spun the story out well. Your main character is well rounded for a flash, we know a lot about his past in such a short space of story!
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It’s already been said, but… Creepy. Long ago I read “The Rape of the Lock.” I don’t remember much about it, but this truly gives the concept of stealing a lady’s hair a sinister twist!
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Fantastic story this week Sandra. I was really expecting her throat to be slit. Great writing.
Claire
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On my first read I ended up smiling, on re-reading I realise this was maybe an incorrect response. Your writing is so subtle that with a different frame of mind the innocent can become terrifying.
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Great story, creepy… Nice character development. Clever twist too, almost a twist on a twist.
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Great story, creepy… Nice character development. Clever twist too, almost a twist on a twist..
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The telling of the story and the characters are excellent. Some of these comment show a twisted mind similar to your MC 😀
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